Ding-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding

Merry Christmas everyone!

Until the New Year, isn't it.

dave
x

Brighton

www.flickr.com/photos/daveonflickr

21st Century Douchebag

HIDEOUS!

I've just heard SIR Cliff Richard's new song, 21st Century Christmas, in which he suggests we

'microwave some popcorn and put on a DVD, sit down and pray for peace on Earth because that's all we really need.'

except only to a really annoying tune.

Come on everybody! Microwave that popcorn! Put on a DVD!

Because that's going to usher in an era of world peace.

Pious little fucktard.

DO NOT BUY THIS SINGLE OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU DEAD.

Blogging / Not Blogging

What's the difference, eh?

THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT NOW I HAVEN'T WON AN EMBROIDERED HANDKERCHIEF.

That is what the difference is. Oddly I thought disseminating my intention to write something once a day would in fact motivate me to do just that, but apparently I just don't care. In the words of my inimitable A Level History teacher Mr Goman:

The road to hell is paved with
good intentions, David.

Actually I think there was greater emphasis on the word 'hell' than I can reasonably expect bold type to convey - try to imagine a little bit of spittle coming out of his mouth. He was fat too, if that makes it any easier.

So anyway, I apologise for my complete lack of actual blogging during NaBloPoMo, altho it appears to have gone unnoticed by some; who rank me as 'top of the table'. Along with around 10 others, mind, but still the thought is appreciated. Interestingly enough, this description is in stark contrast to my actual fantasy football mini-league ranking, which is BOTTOM OF THE PILE. Hurrah!

In other news - I have today ordered myself a new digital camera, which is rather giddy since I have approx zero pounds to spend on black, shiny digital cameras. Surely this is what my savings account is for tho, no? Flickr account to follow soon!

LOOK AT THE SHINY BLACK GOODNESS!

Right, best be off since 'Far Away' by the Bassey has cropped up in the Party Shuffle Mix. It's like my computer knows...

dave
x

PS Actually, Shirley, I think I probably could find the centre of a mountain, so ner.

Gosh!

I am absolutely leaving this until the last minute, in the style of, oh I don't know, EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE. So no surprise there then. This is essentially going to be a lame ass* (and apparently American) effort that but time is marching on. Yes?

I am once again reduced to referring you to other people's comedy genius since I apparently have none, so check this beauty out:

Completely Uncalled For

Try it on your friends/neighbours/loved ones! Do it at work! SLAP YOUR BOSS. I know I will, oh yes.

Tomorrow will be better, I promise!

*come on, I did have a seizure.

Bored of Your Journey to Work?

Hot?
Tired?
Desperate for a seat?

Then why don't you try...

HAVING A SEIZURE!

That's what I did on Monday and it really works. Benefits include: immediate and numerous offers of seats, free water, somebody fanning you with the Metro AND a day off work! Harmful side-effects may take the form of SIX ACTUAL HOURS IN A&E and an on-going headache.

Bring on the neurologist!

And here's me thinking I'd have nothing to blog about for
NaBloPoMo(Fo)!

A Blog a Day

Yes that's right my specials - November is NOT ONLY home to Bonfire Night, it is ALSO National Blog Posting Month. NaBloPoMo for short.

Or, if you're me, NaBloPoMoFo, because I'm urban like that.

The idea is that each participant posts once a day for the whole month of November, motivated by the potential to win mugs, t-shirts and the adoration of thousands.

Or, if you're me, a shallow attempt to actually make myself blog more than once per ever, which must surely be my current average.

For those of you that don't blog, you can join in too by delurking, ie leaving a comment once a day (on more than one blog if you're feeling giddy).

Anyway, do join in. YES?

Oh my god. Shoes.

or: Waiting for Col

Yes - that's right! I'm waiting for Col. IN AN INTERNET CAFE. Becasue I can. It's very exciting - all this internet for only £1, gosh. Anyway her train has been cancelled and they're sending her in a taxi, which is rather lavish I think.

So feeling rather inhibited and paranoid that everyone is reading what I write (which is ironic seeing as I'M POSTING ON THE INTERNET), I am reduced to a series of things that have really made me laugh recently. Here you go:

Tea Partay

Oh my God. Shoes.

CSI New York

Brona

Right Col's here now so I'd best off (and with 34 minutes left too!).

Gosh.

dave
x

This is my island...

And this? THIS IS MY FANTASY. My fantasy football team that is, hur hur.





Being a) homosexual and b) ignorant as regards all things football*, the Jizz Queens have been chosen solely on looks OR whether they look a bit mincey, rather than any ball skills they may or may not have. Pictorial highlights include:

Luque







and

O'Brien







Brilliant! Currently languishing in towards the middle of the league - around 385,000th out of 750,000. Not bad for a bunch of prissy pretty boys, I say.

Yours,

Dave
x

---
*apart from the Adam & Jo song, obviously.

Shrapnel

Brilliant - just counted all the spare change in my room and I have a grand total of £37.50.

I'm having trouble coming to terms with this really.

Shitflap

Word!

It's been a while, sorry about that. I have been saving up some VERY funny things for you tho. Here they are:

1. Ridiculous midi version of the Poirot theme tune (all together now: arrh-arrh? arrh-arrh! arrh-arrh ARRH-ARRH.)
2. Hilarious modern toss stuff, like this:

Excellent.

Yours,

Dav

x

Pretty!

I have spent the last week making the prettiest report IN THE WHOLE WORLD. Here is a sampler:










Bow down before me, for I am an excel GOD.

Yours,

Dave
x

Crazy Elevator Lady, Episodes 1 & 2

Episode One
Interior. Dave is in a lift heading to the fourth floor, where he works.

Elevator: *Ping* "Fourth floor."

Crazy Elevator Lady: [Waiting on the fourth floor.] "THIS IS THE FOURTH FLOOR!?"

Dave: [Scared.] "Er...yes. I work here?"

Crazy Elevator Lady: *disbelieving scowl*

Episode Two
Interior. Dave is waiting by the lifts, Crazy Elevator Lady is standing next to him. Approx 2 minutes pass in silence.

Crazy Elevator Lady: "HI!"

Dave: "Er...hello."


Wow, she is weird!

16,000

Poor Col has, for some reason, saved up a whole year's worth of work to do in two days. She's so crazy! Or, you know, retarded. Anyway, in her honour I have composed a haiku:

Sixteen thousand words
One year's work before Friday
Then there will be Pimm's

HAWT!

Clearly it's too hot to actually do any work. Thus I will be spending this afternoon fanning myself and generally moaning. Hurrah!

In other news, my tuna & cucumber sandwich tastes of sweetcorn, although there isn't actaully any in it. I think the trolley man has spent all morning picking it out and that is why he is so LATE. I will get him sacked.

EDIT [17:46]: He he, my boss thinks I'm working really hard but secretly I am ON THE INTERNET! Ha more fool him - oh actually he just left. Fucker.

Tea Please

Like, HELLO?

UGH.

20six? How very dare they. After a year's worth of dedicated blogging (ok, not dedicated) 20six decided that NAY! THOU SHALT BLOG NO FURTHER! All very Book of Job, really. Brilliantly they've encrypted - yes encrypted - our (and everybody else's) site with a completely random password! Absolute bastardos.

So we're moving isn't it. If you'd like to have a go at unlocking the site you can find it at www.20six.co.uk/collianddave. Let me know if you get anywhere!

Col, perchance you would like to reminisce on times past? All I can remember is Alan Wicker and the RHS Chelsea Flower Show. Be warned tho - if I catch sight of you using any font that isn't Verdana size "Small" I will kill you.

DEAD.

Much love,

Dave